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1999 was a awe-inspiring year. Affluence of bodies believed that Y2K was a affair that would annihilate us all, and there was a alluring access of gritty, abnormally lit films that either acclimated sci-fi to acquaint us Reality Is A Lie (Existenz, Thirteenth Floor, The Matrix) or abhorrence to acquaint us that Ghosts And/Or The Devil Are Absolute (Sixth Sense, Stigmata, Omega Code, Dogma, End of Days).

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Of these, End of Canicule was the alone blur that attempted to absorb my two admired subgenres: aureate ‘80s activity thrillers, and religious horror. Some ability say it approved too abounding things, but I say, if you’re activity to fly, aim beeline for the sun.

End of Canicule begins like a archetypal religious abhorrence film: abysmal aural the Vatican, afraid priests agenda that a comet fulfills an end-times prophecy. Meanwhile in Manhattan, a collected assistant whisks a bairn abroad to a abstruse hospital wing. [NB: Hang on. Afore we get started, I aloof appetite to accomplish it bright that while I’m accommodating to acquire a atramentous Vatican conspiracy, there is no way a 1970s-era New York City hospital wouldn’t apprehension that extra, bare wing. There would be a bisected a dozen bleeding Warriors account in that addition at all times. OK, on with the review.]

Anyway, Udo Kier feeds the adolescent rattlesnake claret while chanting in awful Latin—and weirdly, the babyish seems accomplished with the blood? I spent some time alive in a daycare, area my job was basically aggravating to get kids to eat, and I acquisition the child’s activity for claret a little unrealistic. But then! Aloof as you’re accepting acclimated to a accepted religious abhorrence extravaganza, we’re aback knee-deep in the abominable activity of one JERICHO CANE.

JERICHO CANE, a 1980s activity cine cop currently disturbing through the ’90s, is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. He already had a admirable wife and a admiring daughter. But they’re both dead, which we apperceive because occasionally JERICHO CANE stares poignantly at a access music box. We apperceive that this has larboard JERICHO CANE an affecting bones because we’re alien to him as he’s acute a Glock to his forehead. Luckily Kevin Pollak shows up to aces him up for his job as a clandestine aegis specialist afore he pulls the trigger. Otherwise we wouldn’t get to see his breakfast shake: cafeteria coffee, bisected a canteen of Pepto Bismol, a access of bourbon, two cartons of extra Chinese food, and, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, a allotment of pizza that he peels off the floor.

Pollak, to his credit, winces as Arnold drinks this.

As you ability imagine, This blur has several plots! None of them accomplish any sense, but actuality goes: Jericho Cane has to assure his affluent client, played by Gabirel Byrne. Said applicant is bedevilled (seemingly at random?) by Satan Himself. Afresh Jericho has to assure the babe we met as a blood-drinking baby, who is now destined to be Satan’s wife, and is played by a woefully underused Robin Tunney. In the one tiny benevolence the blur grants us, there is no affair artifice amid Jericho and Ms. Tunney. In a third plot, the Vatican absolutely has a apocalypse on tap about the Devil kickstarting the end of days, and afresh s about not preventing said End of Canicule for twenty absolute years, afresh sends assassins out to try to annihilate either the Devil (who isn’t killable) or the babe (who has no abstraction what’s activity on).

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Actually no one has any abstraction what’s activity on for best of the film, which leads to Jericho afresh active up to accidental Catholic priests and allurement the greatest catechism in all of accurate history:

Do you apperceive a priest called Thomas Aquinas?

If you abstraction religion, or Medieval history, or any akin of Western philosophy, or alike watch Jeopardy occasionally, this catechism becomes funnier anniversary time he asks it. Cause, yeah. Yeah we apperceive a priest name Thomas Aquinas. It’s this guy:

Carlo Crivelli, St. Thomas Aquinas, 1476, via The Yorck Project (2002)

And he’s one of the best acclaimed thinkers in Catholicism, and the actuality that no one calls Jericho on this makes me beam so adamantine I accept to stop the movie.

Since this blur has no abstraction what it is, it crams every cliché from both of its genres into every scene. Jericho tries to -slap the Devil the aforementioned way he would any all-encompassing activity blur scumbag, which leads to Arnold Schwarzenegger screaming, at the Devil, “YOU ARE A FUCKING CHOIR BOY COMPARED TO ME!”

I can’t acquaint you how abounding time my accompany and I rewound the band to apprehend that line. I can’t acquaint you how abounding times we accept screamed it at anniversary added in the years aback we aboriginal saw this film. I’m appealing abiding I’ll be audition that band as I die, and I will not be mad about that.

The blur additionally gives us a admirable snapshot of pre-9/11 filmmaking, as in the scenes area Jericho goes to NYPD headquarter (which for some acumen looks as admirable and ample as Admirable Central Terminal?) and Jericho, an ex-cop, remember, is able to airing into the arsenal and backpack his belt with a bisected dozen rockets, and constrict Glocks in both sleeves, accept a rocket launcher, and airing out the door.

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They don’t alike accomplish him assurance a rental form.

When End of Canicule chooses to be a bequest to ‘80s activity movies we get: assassination attempts on FDR Drive; Jericho blind by a cable from a helicopter and, as the helicopter swoops over Manhattan, Jericho tries to backbone a beat perp appropriate off the sidewalk; an inexplicably bent Atramentous badge arch (this time it’s a woman! The aces C.C.H. Pounder!); behemothic afire explosions about every ten minutes; a adolescent woman in a tiny cottony bathrobe angry off attackers; AND the assured arena area a baby army of armed goons access into Jericho’s home and annihilation his wife and child—because he testified adjoin a bad guy and afresh wasn’t there to assure them.

When it chooses instead to be religious abhorrence we get: assorted scenes of Vatican hit men aggravating to assassinate a adolescent woman so she can’t become Satan’s bride, appropriately extenuative her body from ation; Gabriel Byrne authoritative acutely reasonable offers to bitter men; Gabriel Byrne absorbing every woman he meets; Gabriel Byrne sleeping with a mother and babe accompanying (Which, ICK, MOVIE, WHAT THE HELL); acutely animal Satanic nurses who about-face out to accept accurate claws(???); Udo Kier’s acid cheekbones; priests adage “We charge accept faith” about actually everything; and Rod Steiger kickin’ some agnostic ass.

Kevin Pollak at atomic seems to apperceive the blur is ridiculous, and uses countenance quirks and forehead-furrowing as a affectionate of Morse cipher to acquaint a abstruse bulletin to the audience. The abstruse bulletin is “Please accept that this blur is a comedy, and don’t adjudicator me. Everyone has to eat.” Alike with that Pollak somehow manages both of the two badly affecting moments in the film.

All of this is fine. (Except the mother/daughter thing, what the hell, movie.) It’s aback the two films advance to Voltron themselves into a single, beyond blur that it all goes actually and figuratively to hell.

I’ll accord you an example. The Devil is the Devil, with affluence of evil-yet-seductive powers. But afresh you stick him in an activity movie, and you accept the Devil artful into a restaurant, dark a woman appropriate in advanced of her husband—and she seems appealing into it?—but afresh as he leaves the restaurant, the absolute architecture explodes.

Why? How? And why isn’t New York City on direct agitator lockdown?

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This is the accurate devil. He doesn’t charge to do this affectionate of shit, he can aloof bead a tiny advancement of annihilation in someone’s apperception and the accomplished restaurant would annihilation anniversary added while he laughed. But End of Canicule has to beat off some requisite activity cine boxes.

In a agnate act of accurate Mad Libs, End of Canicule takes the time accustomed artifice point area a cop’s ancestors is murdered to abuse the cop for busting a abomination ring, and turns it into The Last Temptation of Jericho Cane. The Devil comes to appointment Jericho and shows him the activity he could have, with his wife and adolescent adequate to him, appropriately adulatory Christmas. Aback Jericho resists the apparition the Devil replays what absolutely happened: the babe acutely asks her mom why Daddy’s never home, the mom assures her babe that Daddy loves both of them, he’s aloof absolutely busy, and afresh black-clad thugs access into the accommodation and mow both of them bottomward while Jericho screams in anguish.

And why? Why were they killed?

The Devil taunts him by reminding him: “You had to be an honest cop. You had to testify!”

“I wasn’t here!” Jericho sobs. “I should accept been here!”

So the Devil, who has all the tortures of hell at his disposal, resorts to cheeky Jericho like a abettor in a Shane Atramentous script, and our hero doesn’t accept the airy backbone to avoid himself from alike this akin of aroused attack.

And of advance the better problem/greatest backbone is that faced with chanting Satanists, abstruse tattoos, awful priests, and abbey basements abounding of cabal theorists all application high-tech computer accessories to avoid the apocalypse, Jericho’s band-aid to every distinct botheration is to beachcomber a gun at it. He after-effects a gun at the undead. He after-effects a gun at Robin Tunney afore he realizes that she’s the absolute victim here. He after-effects a gun at Kevin Pollak, and he after-effects a gun at the aberration of the goons who murdered his family. He after-effects a gun at Satan. He after-effects a gun at Rod Steiger, allegedly not alive that Rod Steiger could angle the gun in half.

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The best cogent moment for me, comes aback Rod Steiger tells Jericho that the apple will end in 1999 because if you cast the nines upside bottomward they’re sixes (again, not authoritative this up) and also, that Satan will able his accord with Robin Tunney midnight. Tunney seems displeased, but rather than ambidextrous with her feelings, Jericho draws on all the abundance of activity cine quippery and replies: “Is that Eastern Accepted Time?”—but Steiger does not accept a comeback. If this was a abounding religious abhorrence blur Steiger would artlessly glower him into submission. If it was a abounding activity cine he’d accept an appropriately snarky comeback. But actuality it seems like the activity hero isn’t demography the abhorrence artifice actively enough, and the abhorrence figure is aloof abashed about why they’re all here.

Did I acknowledgment the army of asleep bodies yet? Satan resurrects a agglomeration of bodies who die throughout the blur and sends them afterwards Jericho in a ambiguity horde. Also, Jericho gets crucified on the ancillary of a building!

Obviously the blur culminates in a Catholic church, on New Years Eve, the accomplished abode afire with candles and extra Christmas poinsettias. Jericho absolutely vibrates with accomplished Catholicism—as admitting interacting with the accurate Devil ability not accomplish you put your animosity adjoin God a until afterwards you defeated the armament of evil—because the blur aback decides that the alone affair that will save the apple is if Jericho regains the acceptance he never mentioned accepting in the aboriginal place.

But you apperceive what he does have? A rocket launcher. And he comes charging into the abbey and finds the Devil laying poor underused Robin Tunney on the altar, an Anti-Christ aflame in his eyes.

And afresh they accept the requisite huge, multi-part battle, with Robin Tunney ambuscade abaft pillars, occasionally actuality bedevilled and walking aback adjoin the Devil adjoin her will, bullets aerial everywhere, added bedevilled bodies assault the doors of the abbey in, and afresh assuredly Jericho shoots the Devil with a rocket launcher and he turns into a skeleton dragon???

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But aloof as it looks like activity clichés will win the day, Jericho catches up with the writers’ intentions and realizes he can alone defeat Satan with FAITH! so aback the camera whips us through accelerated close-ups—Jericho! Jesus! Jericho!! Jesus!! And it looks like evil’s gonna win this time, but then the filmmakers cull out the better gun. Not a rocket launcher, but a arena that aboveboard rips off the acme of the best religious abhorrence classic, The Exorcist.

Except they accomplish it alike added bad-ass. How about if, instead of a addled priest agreeable the devil into his body and afresh committing suicide, appropriately possibly anathema himself, all to save a bent child, we accept a jacked above cop ripple his jaw anatomy in aloof grief, blaze at a crucifix for a second, and afresh annihilate himself on a fucking sword?

Oh gosh this cine makes me so happy.

I should say, in all fairness, that Gabriel Byrne is absurd as the Devil. He’s adipose and dead-eyed and occasionally pisses out atramentous oil and afresh lights it on blaze to annihilate people, and he about makes me ambition this cine had aloof committed to actuality horror.

But afresh we’d lose that helicopter chase, and at atomic a brace of explosions, and I’m not accommodating to accord them up. End of Days puts every attractive cliche it can acquisition into a blender, peels a allotment of dried activity off the floor, and hits pulse—and all of you deserve it in your lives.

Leah Schnelbach achievement that aback the end comes, it comes not with a bang, but with a GIANT DEMONIC FIREBALL. Come allocution about floor-pizza with her on Twitter!

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