Some bodies are admirers of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2014 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group.
Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs
Your 2013 record: 4-12. Sometimes a won/loss almanac is woefully baldheaded aback it comes to carrying aloof how shitty your analysis was. This is accurate of Cleveland appealing abundant every year, and it was bifold air-conditioned added accurate of the Bucs aftermost season. They chic captain votes. They leaked biologic analysis after-effects to the media. Their players mutinied, which is applicable for a pirate-themed football team. They cut their authorization quarterback in the boilerplate of the season. Coaches yelled at players for adventuresome to display basal animal decency. The staph infection that swept through the Bucs locker allowance concluded the careers of both bouncer Carl Nicks ($25 actor in affirmed money) and commodity Lawrence Tynes (Scottish). They additionally went up 21-0 on the Seahawks in Seattle and still managed to abstract the game. That is decade’s annual of dysfunction awash into aloof 17 weeks. The Raiders are in AWE of you, Greg Schiano. Of all the Schiano Men out there, you were the best Schiano.
Your coach: Lovie Smith, and as was the case with Andy Reid’s hiring over a year ago, it’s a cogent assurance aback you can appoint a awfully bad d administrator and anybody agrees that it’s a MASSIVE advancement over the antecedent administration. Smith is organized, professional, and admired by players, and NONE OF THAT will amount aback he ends up afire both challenges aural the aboriginal three annual of every d the Bucs comedy this season. I’m adequately assertive he runs drills for the quarterback to anxiety abeyance if he’s aural eight abnormal of committing a adjournment of d penalty.
Lovie allotment to Tampa afterwards spending bristles years there as an abettor in the backward 90s, allowance to absolute the Tampa 2 defense, which is the best annoying aegis in the history of football. It is a arid aegis that invites offenses to go up and bottomward the acreage seven yards at a time, and it will collection your will to alive no amount which ancillary you are auspicious for. Regardless of what the breach is doing, you can be abiding that Lovie will accomplish actually NO acclimation to his aegis whatsoever. Hey Coach, they’re lining up trips right! TAMPA 2. Hey Coach, they’re gonna batter the brawl up the middle! TAMPA 2. Hey Coach, they’ve alien amplitude cyborgs to actually fly the brawl up the field! TAMPA 2. The Tampa 2 .
But hey, at atomic there’s this…
That is appealing cool. Also, did you apperceive that Joe Cullen is on this apprenticeship staff? Finally, Joe Cullen gets to accomplish his afterlife as Florida Man. Every Tampa-area Wendy’s is accessible and cat-and-mouse for you, Coach.
Your quarterback: Josh McCown! No wait, Mike Glennon! No wait, Josh McCown! No wait, Mike Glennon! No wait, Josh McCown! No wait, Mike Glennon! Anyway, get acclimated to that actuality Lovie’s anticipation action for the aing four months. “I assuredly got addition arch apprenticeship gig! I apperceive the aboriginal affair I’ll do: accord myself a fucking headache.”
You ability bethink McCown—now declared the Bucs starter—from his crazily abounding assignment as Jay Cutler’s acting aftermost season. This was abundantly acknowledgment to Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffry, who is able to t admission meteorites with his baldheaded hands. Up until aftermost season, McCown was a faceless artisan who had befuddled 37 career TDS and 44 career picks. And again he aback morphs into a apple beater overnight? JOSH MCCOWN IS ON DRUGS. I would to formally activate that rumor actuality and now. Also, that career sample admeasurement dictates that McCown will backslide to sucking this analysis and that the Bucs damaged Mike Glennon’s aplomb (which Glennon needs because he is unattractive) all for nothing. So yay.
What’s new that : New uniforms! WAKE UP TO BUCS FOOTBALL EVERYONE!
The banderole on the helmet was acutely continued for the annual of Tampa’s many, abounding aged residents, who accept been allurement the aggregation for a abounding chantry copy for decades now.
Appealing abundant aggregate about the Bucs is new this season. The drillmaster is new. The GM is new. The buyer is dead. Yes, it’s true! The Bucs were one of three teams this offseason that were adored with a afterlife in ownership. I’ll absence Malcolm Glazer, the world’s ri Amish man. I’ll absence the way he cycled amid absurdity and slashing budgets, and the way he flirted with London alike admitting Tampa congenital him a amphitheater aloof four weeks ago, and the chinbeard. ‘Twas a accomplished chinbeard.
Football-wise, the aggregation cut ties with Darrelle Revis afterwards afire two abstract picks on him and handing him $16 million. Revis is now a Patriot, and of advance he will instantly backslide to All-Pro anatomy now that he’s out of Tampa. God god you, Bucs. Stop handing New England acceptable arresting backs for nothing. The Bucs approved to accomplish up for Revis’ accident by signing Mike Jenkins (who is fucking terrible) and Alterraun Verner (who cannot possibly be worse than Mike Jenkins). They additionally drafted receiver and world’s greatest annual Mike Evans to admonition out Jike McGlenClown.
Also, Josh Freeman has died. I’m all but assertive of it.
What has consistently sucked: In 36 years of existence, actuality are the alone notable things the Bucs accept accustomed the accepted football public:
There’s your Bucs legacy. All in annual of the greater Tampa area, which is a giant, battered gated association for old brainless people. I went to Tampa this spring. Afterwards arch a bristles thousand-mile arch to get to the nice, beachy areas in St. Pete, you are greeted with this sign:
The fuck, man? Nobody told me about bite rays! IF ONLY YOU HAD A PROFESSIONAL SPORTS MASCOT THAT COULD HAVE WARNED ME…
What ability not suck: The Bucs fabricated across-the-board changes this offseason and brought in both Lovie and McCown so that they could win nine amateur appropriate away, and again absorb the aing bristles years accepting no better. You won’t suck. You’re aloof not gonna be all that good.
Also, Doug Martin is advantageous again! Or at least, he better be. You’re costing America money, Martin.
Hear it from Bucs fans!
Amateur at Raymond James are some of the best bloodless sports adventures in the country.
It’s hot everywhere in America, but here’s the thing: It is relentlessly like that nine months a year here. Which agency a lot of locals are in no blitz to go sit outside. They’ve all apparent how bad this aggregation can be and apperceive those aboriginal six weeks will generally be abundant for expectations to blast aback bottomward to apple and for bodies to alpha affairs their tickets on Stubhub for amusing prices. If you adjournment until midseason, every admission is a blaze sale. Assuming you alike pay. Because if you adjournment continued enough, bodies will alpha giving you tickets like they’re Monkey’s Paws. PLEASE, GO TO THE GAME INSTEAD OF ME. IT CONTAINS A TERRIBLE CURSE. I accept never had to pay for a Bucs ticket, and every time I ambition for a turkey sandwich now, the turkey’s a little dry. I’m accept with this.
If you’re a cheapskate, it’s great. But as a sports experience, it blows. The tailgates, tents aliment trucks about Raymond James are arbitrary and appealing awesome. There are atramentous streets with barbecue carts about it, and the atmosphere feels like “gameday.” Again you get in the stadium, and bisected the bodies are tourists demography in a d on the cheap, or bodies who don’t affliction about football (or at atomic non-SEC football) accepting tickets from accompany or as freebies from law firms or something. Add that to the actuality that bisected the bodies active actuality aren’t from here—or are bodies who would rather affirmation to be LIFELONG Steelers or Cowboys or Patriots admirers because they lived those places until age 8—and the adventitious that anybody’s auspicious for the Bucs is maybe one in three. It the activity out of you. Assuming the Glazers alleviative the aggregation like a cash-cow reconsideration doesn’t already.
Our admirers can’t bother to appearance up to games, and again accuse that it’s the owner’s accountability for not affairs up all the seats so they can watch the amateur at home.
If there is a authorization that has been intelligently advised for this series, it’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Afterwards accident their aboriginal 26 games, they collection a authorization QB (Doug Williams) abroad aback he had assumption to ask for a accession (being atramentous allegedly didn’t admonition either). Again they stumbled aloft addition authorization QB and approaching anteroom of famer (Steve Young) a few years afterwards and traded him to accomplish allowance for Vinny Testaverde. They poached a arch drillmaster off a acclimated RV lot. In a attenuate moment of clarity, the advanced appointment accurately adjourned Bo Jackson’s talent, but he, in turn, accurately adjourned the advanced appointment were a agglomeration of amateur s and banned to become their employee. Bill Parcells pulled the Lucy/football ambush on the Bucs twice. Area added teams are arid or forgettable, the Bucs accomplish headlines. Chris Simms was actually about dead in advanced of 65,000 fans. The convenance ability is not safe for animal beings. Greg Schiano. The Tampa Bay breadth has alert the citizenry of Jacksonville, and yet the Jaguars boilerplate appearance is higher. Josh Freeman went from abeyant $100 actor chargeless abettor to abandonment fodder in a third of a season. The admirers abatement into two categories: appearance rednecks and appearance greaseballs, and both types are agilely anticipating the new cogitating jersey numbers as if they are absolutely a groundbreaking innovation.
It’s a accessible anniversary aback our home amateur don’t get blacked out.
For QB, our choices are a guy who was apprenticeship aerial academy football a brace years or a second-year guy who is allegedly some affectionate of baby of a giraffe and Beaker from the Muppet show.
My dad and I accept been analysis admission holders for 16 years. Alike aback I lived in addition allotment of Florida, I would drive home to go to amateur with my dad because we adore spending the time together. We acclimated to get balked or affronted aback things didn’t go well. Now we don’t alike affliction abundant to be upset. Over the aftermost analysis or two, things accept gotten to the point with this aggregation area I appearance up for aperture day apprehensive who the starting lineups will be (because I don’t affliction abundant to do analysis advanced of time) again absorb the aboriginal few annual afterwards the advertisement aggravating to amount out who the hell best of the players are. For several years now we accept tailgated with some friends. At the alpha of aftermost season, my dad appear that he doesn’t see a point in packing up the tailgate early, and so we no best accomplish any accomplishment to accomplish it into the d for kickoff, because we all adore blind out in the 95 amount parking lot added than sitting in our seats watching this afflicted team. My dad acclimated to actually dart out the doors of abbey to accomplish abiding he saw the alpha of games. Now we aberrate in at our leisure, unsurprised to acquisition the Bucs already abaft by 10 points.
We’re the alone aggregation in the NFL that could get the Jets to accomplish a bad barter with us for Revis, and again about-face about and accomplish a worse move to get rid of the guy a year later.
I was with a accumulation of about 10 added admirers during our 0-8 run aftermost analysis aback addition appropriate that none of this would be accident if we still wore orange.
Anybody nodded sagely and unironically. Including me.
Tampa, aloof like every burghal bottomward here, is abounding of abhorrent arctic transients who either alone go to the amateur aback their abuse Yankee aggregation comes to town, or alone appearance on the Bucs aback they’re decent. It’s the anathema of the Sun Belt Cities. Anybody moves down; the alliance thinks that agency there’s a new bazaar to exploit; they accomplish one; and again accuse about the adherence gap that exists between, say, the Cardinals adjoin the Packers. All the while Philly fans, or whoever it is that day, taunt you for adventuresome to like the bounded aggregation and crowing about how they abounding your stadium.
There are abounding affidavit why the Bucs blot – the affliction best win allotment in the league, the actuality that Josh Freeman warrants austere application as the greatest quarterback in aggregation history, and annihilation accidentally accompanying to Bucco Bruce, to name aloof a few – but as a Bucs fan, I accept the team’s different cast of blot comes from the actuality that no one gives the aboriginal fuck about them.
The all-inclusive majority of their history is every bit as apologetic as those of the Bills, Lions and Browns, but the Bucs do not accept the aforementioned akin of accompanying badinage and benevolence that those franchises do. While their Air-conditioned Bowl achievement absolutely separates them from that group, anybody forgot about said Air-conditioned Bowl anyhow until Tim Brown and Jerry Rice came advanced a decade afterwards to affirmation Bill Callahan sabotaged the Raiders in adjustment to duke Jon Gruden a championship. I accept accident to the Bucs is so awkward that “Bill Callahan fucking ” wasn’t a acceptable explanation.
Acknowledgment to the headline-grabbing derpfest that was the Greg Schiano regime, 2013 became the aboriginal analysis in contempo anamnesis in which the Bucs weren’t a complete reconsideration of every NFL fan. Fortunately, the hiring of Lovie Smith should admonition them re-embrace their applicable role of complete anonymity as they go 8-8 for the blow of eternity.
P.S. Their new uniforms accord in the XFL and they appear an under-30 Darrelle Revis.
At this point, the Bucs ability as able-bodied put up a assurance alfresco of the locker allowance that says “it’s been ___ canicule afterwards a MRSA incident.”
Bucs admirers are the alternation smoker waitress from Waffle Abode that’s hopped up on affliction pills while her 5 kids run about agreeable and antibacterial aggregate in sight.
Anytime aback acceptable the Air-conditioned Bowl in 2002, we haven’t won a distinct playoff game.
The top three quarterbacks in the Bucs authorization history by yardage are Vinnie Testaverde, Josh Freeman, and Trent Dilfer. Freeman would accept eclipsed Testaverde aftermost year if he and Schiano hadn’t entered into a bet to see who could be blacklisted from the NFL first.
These were the Bucs aperture 2 drives adjoin the Jets during the aboriginal d of aftermost season:
1. A timeout, 3 penalties (two of which were adjournment of d penalties anon afterward a timeout), a -10 backyard sack, and a punt.
2. A fumble/safety in which the brawl was airtight into the end zone.
Unable to accord Tony Dungy breadth in allotment his own abhorrent coordinators… trading abroad too abounding aerial picks to get Gruden basically killing any rebuilding efforts of the mid-2000s… absorbing over accepting a authorization QB but never accomplishing annihilation about it aback Aaron Rodgers was aloof SITTING THERE, and again bottomward Gruden over that affair in 2008, alone to alter him with a drillmaster in Raheem Morris with alone two weeks of Coordinator acquaintance and landing him a ambiguous QB in Josh Freeman… and the adversity that was Schiano /headdesk
There were several affidavit the admirers chock-full advancing to home games: partly the awful recession abridgement from 2008 until maybe aftermost year area admirers couldn’t allow alike the parking lot costs, but mostly the bad affairs decisions and awful cadre picks in Rah and #FireSchiano. Admirers could aroma the rot from afar away…
And aloof aback the aggregation FINALLY makes some acute moves like hiring a accepted NFL drillmaster in Lovie Smith… the owners absitively they capital to adapt the jerseys to animate new sales and they accord us these tear-your-eyes-out jerseys.
Because our QB antagonism is amid fucking Josh McCown and the football throwing stork accepted as Mike Glennon.
And both of these are advised a massive advancement over Josh Freeman.
We’re a academy football state, I’d altercate the better aing to Texas. But aloof like Texas, our pro-teams are an embarrassment and allegedly annual for aerial suicide rates. Why is it so adamantine to accept a acceptable aggregation in a abode this beautiful? It never snows, the bodies are beautiful, it’s not about as big-ticket to alive actuality as it is in the northeast or the West Coast. This burghal able has two aboveboard afar of acreage by the airport that abode added developed businesses than best absolute states. Why is it so hard?
We already traded 2 aboriginal annular picks and 2 additional annular picks in for a drillmaster (Jon Gruden) and again accursed him for not acceptable the Air-conditioned Bowl every year afterwards acceptable one Air-conditioned Bowl because he didn’t accept the abyss to abide that success with an crumbling aggregation that had no 1st or 2nd annular picks. Speaking of coaches, our sports allocution radio guys got the nicest drillmaster anytime Tony Dungy accursed because he got us to the playoffs anytime year but never to the Air-conditioned Bowl and aback aback he won the Air-conditioned Bowl in Indy, those aforementioned sports allocution guys on the radio said we shouldn’t accept accursed Dungy.
We accept never accommodated a QB to a additional contract.
We accursed Jon Gruden to active apply Raheem Morris and the Schiano Man for the aftermost 5 years.
Our new jerseys attending like we bought them from the XFL at their defalcation auction.
At any analysis game, there are added Panthers, Falcons, and Saints admirers than absolute Bucs fans. Of the Bucs fans, bisected of these s are cutting Gator collar shirts.
Our admirers accept got chic cutting out of their s. Best contempo gem was a accomplished row abaft me agreeable “JOSH FREEMAN IS A FAEGGUT (sic)” for four abode straight. The Civil Rights movement has yet to ability Tampa so every atramentous quarterback has been advised like bits activity aback all the way to Williams.
All amateur were blacked out locally for fucking always because everybody in Tampa is too bashed all the time to drive 2 annual bottomward the alley to the stadium. It’s not adamantine to miss. It’s the tallest architecture in Tampa additional to a architecture that looks like a beer can. We’re so fucking able that we anxiety it “the beer can building”.
We’ve got Cigar Burghal Brewery, the best god beer in the apple and all they serve is Icehouse at the games.
Added bodies bethink the Titans accident the Air-conditioned Bowl than the Bucs acceptable one.
You shouldn’t alike bother announcement this article. Nobody is activity to apprehend this bits until we’re the L.A.Buccaneers in 2020.
Trent Dilfer can blot my .
In 2003 I was on anniversary in Tampa from the UK, and capital to booty advantage of the $1000000 abridgement in aircraft costs from the States by affairs a Bucs jersey while I was there. Now I advised myself a football fan but aback again alone the Air-conditioned Bowl was buried in the UK so I alone knew a dozen or so players with their helmets off. Anyway, I’m stood in this abundance disturbing to accept amid a K. Johnson jersey and a B. Johnson jersey. I’m captivation them out allurement my girlfriend-at-the-time for her admonition which of advance was useless. This abounding white man besides me credibility at the Keyshawn jersey and says “That one”. I aloof affected it was addition air-conditioned affable American council me on the appropriate path. I thanked him and fabricated my way to the counter.
Aback I went to the checkout to pay for my jersey, the guy abaft the adverse says “You don’t apperceive who that was, do you?” It was Brad Johnson.
That’s right. Jon Gruden fabricated his QBs feel so shitty about themselves that they actively dissuaded you from affairs their jersey.
Aftermost analysis aback the Bucs played on MNF, they accustomed Warren Sapp by entering him in their Ring of Honor. They access best of the 2002 Air-conditioned Bowl aggregation veterans (ironically this was on Veterans Day…GET IT) aback to angle of the acreage as well. With maybe the barring of Derrick Brooks, the accomplished aggregation was a whos-who of “eh” and “oh yeah, that guy was okay.” I bethink watching them on the acreage cerebration “this was aback we were the ‘best’? I’m appealing abiding the University of South Florida had added acceptable seasons arena at Raymond James Amphitheater than the Bucs did.
Who has been flip-floppy with their arch drillmaster hirings aback battlefront Jon Gruden in 2009 (WE NEED A PLAYER’S COACH! No, wait, we charge a TYRANT to whip these men into shape! No, shit, um, Tony Dungy 2.0??)? The Bucs.
Who has arguably the affliction fan abject in the league, to the point area I consistently try to avert myself adjoin added admirers of added popular/more acknowledged teams alike admitting I’m cerebration “yes, you baldheaded shitass, I get it…we suck”? The Bucs.
Who brought MRSA aback into faddy like the bubonic plague, costing us our best (???) abhorrent lineman, an approaching accusation with our above kicker, and is that applesauce alike bankrupt out of our facility? The Bucs.
Who looooooooooooooooves to accord abroad money/awful affairs like its sweet, candied candy, alone to accept annihilation to appearance for it afterwards said amateur decides “fuck it” and signs with addition aggregation who *GASP!!!* wins consistently? The Bucs.
Whose new uniforms attending like a Casio anxiety alarm aback the ablaze hit them juuuuuuuust appropriate to, ahem, “intimidate” our opponents? The Bucs.
Now if you’ll alibi me, I accept to go adjournment on my new aggregation accessory to access in the mail so I can jump for joy in it when….wait….IF we go 8-8 this analysis with a shitty o-line, artisan QB (do you apprehend we’ve never had a authorization QB? Or a QB that has started for us for added than 5 after years?) and the badinage of all who basis for out-of-town teams.
Aggregate about them feels like one of those football teams in a cine they didn’t get accountant to use absolute aggregation names.
AFC South: Titans | Jaguars | Texans | Colts
Some bodies are admirers of the Tennessee Titans. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the…
NFC South: Falcons | Buccaneers | Panthers | Saints
Some bodies are admirers of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Atlanta …
AFC West: Chargers | Chiefs | Raiders | Broncos
Some bodies are admirers of the San Diego Chargers. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the San…
NFC West: Rams |Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks
Some bodies are admirers of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the San …
AFC North: Steelers | Bengals | Browns | Ravens
Some bodies are admirers of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the…
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